Monday, November 26, 2007

Principle 3 : Arouse in the other person an eager want

I give piano lessons to my neighbors every Tuesday, there are two 5-year old boys and their 7-year-old brother. There are times throughout the lesson when they will become bored, tired and frustrated. At these points in time I ask the one I'm teaching "Odysseus, what would you like to learn? or, what do you enjoy most about piano lessons?" Whatever the boys answer, I let them know that they are in control and we will do what they like now. Their idea of learning, and fun during piano is a little different than mine; however, I must compromise and give them what they want or else we will all end up unhappy.

Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something. This includes donating $1,000 anonymously to the Red Cross. Why? Because if you found that money was more precious then the feeling of charity, then you would have kept the money.

Since we understand this premise as the foundation of the principle, it is safe to say that whenever we talk to anyone, we are better of talking about what they want, and helping them to get it. So, you can influence, and make a person want to do something by understanding what they want out of a situation.

Find out what they want and truly needed by simply asking "what do you want out of this?"

According to Dale Carnegie, here is one of the best bits of advice ever given about the fine art of human relationships :
"If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own." - Henry Ford

Get out there and learn what other want and need.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

We vs I

"I made turkey dinner for everybody."

The turkey dinner "you" made was not made by "you." It was made by the gardener who picked the potatoes, the butcher that killed the turkey, as well as the lady who milked the cow. "You" helped in preparing it.

"You" have not done a single thing in your life without someone else's help.

Stop stressing on the word "I" and begin using "we" cause "you" have not done a single thing in your life without someone else's help. Think about that.

Life is a team sport. We help eachother. Lets keep it that way.

Principle 2 : Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

I get my feeling of importance by beeing included within a group. This is actually one of my strengths and weaknesses : "Harmony." I get my importance when a team depends on me and when people do well because of my help.

For example, I was a four year point guard while playing basketball at Saint Xavier University. I always got more of a rush by making an assist than scoring a basket, this was something that stimulated me, I wanted the other guys to succeed b/c of my help. On the contrary, I feel worthless when a team doesn't include me in something, or forgets to make any recognition of my efforts.

This strength/weakness defines who I am, what I stand for, and my character type. Some people feel important from being famous, others get it from making a lot of money, and others get it from WINning.


STOP......really think about these questions.......

A profound philosopher , John Dewey, said that the deepest urge in hman nature is "the desire to be important." It ranks up there with Health, Food, Sleep, the things money will buy, and sexual gratification.

So, the point is to find out what makes others feel important, and pay attention to their improvements and changes in these areas. When the right time presents itself and you see an improvement in these areas make sure to give compliments and sincere appreciation.

You're probably saying "if I give too many compliments and appreciation it'll seem fake." This is where the distinction of appreciation and flattery is made. If you are giving compliments and don't truly mean them, then that will be flattery.

Dale Carnegie mentioned "The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. Once comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

We want to stop thinking about ourself 100% of the day, and take 5% of each day and listen to someone else's points. At this time we can truly appreciate who they are, and what they're saying.

True Appreciation from Dale Carnegie Story:

Once upon a time, a woman was involved in a self-improvement program at her church. She asked her husband to help her by listing six things he believed she could do to help her become a better wife.

He reported to the class : "I was surprised by such a request. Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list six things I would like to chnage about her--my heavens, she could have listed a thousand things she would like to change about me--but I didn't. I said to her, 'Let me think about it and give you an answer in the morning.'

"The next morning I got up very early and called the florist and hand them send six red roses to my wife with a note saying : 'I can't think of six things I would like to change about you. I love you the whe way you are.'

"When I arrived at home that evening, who do you think greeted me at the door? That's right. My wife! She was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremely glad I had not criticized her as she had requested.

"The following Sunday at church, after she had reported the results of her assignment, several women with whom she had been studying came up to me and said, 'That was the most considerate thing I have ever heard.' It was then I realized the power of appreciation."

Who will you give roses to today? Who will you listen to today?

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him." - Emerson

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Principle 1 : Don't Criticize, Condemn or Complain

I am currently reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie . In each chapter there is a lesson to be learned, I will explain them here - Lesson 1.

"God himself does not propose to judge man until the end of his days," why should you and I?

Abraham Lincoln mentioned "Don't criticize others; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances." Put yourself in someone else's shoes before you criticize them, and understand why they make the decisions that they do. Criticizing and pointing the finger is the easy way out, DON'T BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

People justify their actions 99.9% of them time, so criticizing them will only higher their defenses, wound their pride and way of thinking. An example of this is one of Al Capone. Mr. Capone, the most notorious gangster in the US, considered himself a public benefactor - an unappreciated and misunderstood public benefactor. When criticized, he justified actions by stating that he was helping people that couldn't act for themselves. Al was one of those people in the 99.9% when he was justifying his actions.

Next time, before you criticize or condemn someone, remember that they will justify their actions in their head, and no progress will be made. The best way to approach a situation like this is to give constructive feedback, and try to understand them, and their situation.

The book mentions a great way to handle these situations : "B.F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Later studies showed that the same applies for humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and ofter incur resentment."

Finally, repeated again in Dale's words : "Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. To know all is to forgive all."

Lesson 1 : Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

A great poem to help us remember this lesson, Father Forgets